Locavorus Rex

A new restaurant named Local recently opened in my Oakland neighborhood. Then there’s Locavore in San Francisco’s Mission District. These days it seems like every trendy high-end eatery boasts of how it serves locally-produced food, even if the menu includes Tasmanian trout. (True story.) But why settle for half measures?  Here’s a menu representing the Platonic ideal of the ultimate locavore restaurant.

More Local Than You’ll Ever Be

– All ingredients sourced from

within 500 feet of your dining table –  

Starters 

Down-home mushroom soup

Fresh Oakland tap water flavored with home-grown thyme, rosemary, and organic tinea pedis harvested from the chef’s own fair-trade running shoes.

Escargots

Garden snails marinated in the locally-brewed beer in which they drowned, then sauteed in butter from Flossie, the grass-fed cow whom we stable in the ladies’ room.

Mains 

City squab

Using lead-free shot, our maitre d’ will cull your own personalized pigeon from the plaza in front of the BART station. Served on a bed of wilted dandelion greens from our own backyard.

Blackened carp

Raised in the bathtub, just like Bubbie did in the old country. Then blackened Cajun-style over an open fire fueled by patties from Flossie.

Mixed grill

Gerbil, hamster, guinea pig or chihuahua, depending on which of our neighbors are on vacation. Vegetarian option available.

Desserts 

Strawberry sundae (seasonal)

Lemon ice cream made from Flossie’s milk and our own Meyer lemons, topped with a fragment of one strawberry. Size of fragment depends on number of patrons ordering this dessert, and whether we have harvested one or two strawberries that day. 

Poches de maison (“House pockets”)

What sweets can the chef find in patrons’ pockets? This delightful dessert varies with the day’s harvest – one day it may be a compote of cherry throat lozenges and Tic Tacs, another a napoleon of half-eaten Clif Bar layered with Bazookas and glazed with Robitussin.

Oakland brownies

A cure for whatever ails you, from our in-house medicinal marijuana greenhouse. Note: Brownies contain no flour, sugar or chocolate since we have not yet managed to source these ingredients within our 500-foot foodshed. Physician’s note required.

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8 Responses to “Locavorus Rex”

  1. Tom Moore Says:

    this trend reminds me of the reason that the city of Penedo (state of Rio de Janeiro) became a center of Finnish immigration a hundred years ago. A group of Finns decided, for ethical reasons, that they would become vegans. Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for them to realize that being a vegan in Finland a century ago was not a viable option, so the group emigrated to Brazil, where the climate permits cultivation year round. Even so, the land they bought had been depleted of nutrients by coffee cultivation, and it was difficult to maintain subsistence agriculture.
    see details:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Finnish_Brazilian

  2. Melissa Says:

    Enjoyed this…it made me conjure up what my hypothetical localvore restaurant would serve. Curtis Park and Land Park are currently suffering from an invasion of fairly aggressive skunks and raccoons in search of food. Voila! Two problems solved.
    Also made me think of my trip to the oh-so-full-of-itself restaurant Bouchon, in Yountville recently….where we were offered a choice of sparkling, still, or “chilled local water.” Didn’t they used to call that tap?

  3. Nicholas Says:

    Funny!

  4. bratschegirl Says:

    Grass-fed cow in the ladies’ room… Oakland brownies from the in-house greenhouse… hmmm… Is this the “happy cow” the cheese commercials are always going on about?

  5. Wendy Says:

    Too funny. My husband offered “possum pate” uhh, caught by our local dog and brought into the house. Just make sure it’s really dead, and not playing possum (it was). Roger also recommended Duck a la’ Merritt, and oh-so greasy Canada goose. As Julia says, “Bon appetit!”

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