A new restaurant named Local recently opened in my Oakland neighborhood. Then there’s Locavore in San Francisco’s Mission District. These days it seems like every trendy high-end eatery boasts of how it serves locally-produced food, even if the menu includes Tasmanian trout. (True story.) But why settle for half measures? Here’s a menu representing the Platonic ideal of the ultimate locavore restaurant.
More Local Than You’ll Ever Be
– All ingredients sourced from
within 500 feet of your dining table –
Down-home mushroom soup
Fresh Oakland tap water flavored with home-grown thyme, rosemary, and organic tinea pedis harvested from the chef’s own fair-trade running shoes.
Garden snails marinated in the locally-brewed beer in which they drowned, then sauteed in butter from Flossie, the grass-fed cow whom we stable in the ladies’ room.
Using lead-free shot, our maitre d’ will cull your own personalized pigeon from the plaza in front of the BART station. Served on a bed of wilted dandelion greens from our own backyard.
Raised in the bathtub, just like Bubbie did in the old country. Then blackened Cajun-style over an open fire fueled by patties from Flossie.
Gerbil, hamster, guinea pig or chihuahua, depending on which of our neighbors are on vacation. Vegetarian option available.
Strawberry sundae (seasonal)
Lemon ice cream made from Flossie’s milk and our own Meyer lemons, topped with a fragment of one strawberry. Size of fragment depends on number of patrons ordering this dessert, and whether we have harvested one or two strawberries that day.
Poches de maison (“House pockets”)
What sweets can the chef find in patrons’ pockets? This delightful dessert varies with the day’s harvest – one day it may be a compote of cherry throat lozenges and Tic Tacs, another a napoleon of half-eaten Clif Bar layered with Bazookas and glazed with Robitussin.
A cure for whatever ails you, from our in-house medicinal marijuana greenhouse. Note: Brownies contain no flour, sugar or chocolate since we have not yet managed to source these ingredients within our 500-foot foodshed. Physician’s note required.